Compliments

I was thinking more about our need to be heard, recognized, and acknowledged, specifically, about how I can better hear, recognize, and acknowledge those around me. I realized that giving someone a compliment is probably the easiest way to do recognize them and help them feel acknowledged and appreciated. I always knew that compliments were important, but had never really thought about how a compliment is really just acknowledging someone else or something that he / she does.

While all compliments are great, those that are specific help others feel especially recognized and appreciated. Saying "you're always so helpful" is nice, but saying "it was great how you ______" or "I love how you ________," referring to specific instances, helps even more.

And now that I this out, those compliments sound contrived. I guess that's because they are.

Heard, Recognized, Acknowledged.

There is something inside of each of us that longs to be heard, recognized, and acknowledged. Whenever I feel that others don't know what's going on in my life but am not really ready to talk about it with anyone in particular, I get this sudden desire to go update my facebook status. Or change my profile picture to match my mood. Or tweet something that hints about how I'm feeling. Or blog. I think that the desire to be heard, recognized, and acknowledged is what drives use of all that social networking stuff.

Feeling heard, recognized, and acknowledged is also important in relationships. And I would add feeling appreciated. When I do something nice for someone I care about, I don't expect them to reciprocate or change how they act towards me or owe me or anything. But I love it when they recognize what I did and I can see that it made them happy. It's even better when they still acknowledge and appreciate what I did a few days later.

Finally, I've always thought that mutual respect is important in relationships. Thinking about all the rest of this, I realized that if you respect someone you will recognize them, listen to them, and acknowledge them. So, to improve your relationships, make an effort to hear, recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate those around you. And if you feel that someone else doesn't hear, recognize, or acknowledge you, well, that's good to recognize. Maybe when you talk to them about why things aren't quite working in your relationship, you describe why with greater specificity.

Asking for Advice

Three insights (from MR) about advice - 

 "You don't know what a person really thinks until you hear his or her advice.  Along these lines, if you really want to know what a person thinks, ask for advice and he or she will open up. "

"The advice-giving mode mobilizes insights which otherwise remain dormant, perhaps for fear of falsification or ridicule or of actually influencing people. "

Interesting. And I can see the truth in both of these quotes. I often hesitate to give advice because I don't want others to feel like I'm trying to control them or influence their life. If others ask me for advice, however, I'm much more likely to give it. It's also much easier to give advice if asked a good, specific question. Here's another quote that reflects the fear I had about giving advice:

Often we do not trust people until we hear their advice.  We suspect in any case that they wish to control us, and until we know what they have in mind, we remain wary.  Sometimes it is necessary to give advice -- even pointless advice -- to establish trust.

Really interesting. I've never thought about the relationship between giving and receiving advice and how much we trust someone. Also, as a side note, it seems to me that guys give advice more than girls want to hear it. At least that seems to be the stereotype.

What do you think about giving advice to establish trust? How can you do that without coming across and controlling?

Helping other communicate

Recently I wrote about communicating in relationships. Since then, I've thought about how you can help others open up and communicate their feelings with you. As I was brainstorming, I realized that I already wrote about this back in September. As always, feel free to comment.

The value of communication in relationships

On Christmas Eve we watched the old Christmas classic White Christmas. It's a quality flick, especially if you fast forward through the boring songs and only listen to the good ones. There are also lots of examples of the value of communication in relationships hidden throughout the movie

If you haven't seen it in a while, you might not remember these scenes. But the principles are always applicable. Betty and Bob's relationship (it sounds like those names are made up, and I guess they are. They just weren't too creative when writing the script I guess) almost went down the tubes (with Bob having no idea why) because Betty didn't communicate.

So what can we learn about communication from this movie?

1. Don't listen to gossip. And if you hear some, don't rely on it to form your opinions of others. You wouldn't want someone to do that to you.
   
2. If you hear/suspect/see something negative about someone you care about, before changing how you act towards them, talk about it. Maybe that thing isn't true. Or maybe they aren't aware about how it comes across to others. Or maybe they just need to see their actions from another perspective. At the very least, they would know why you started acting differently.
3. Give others the benefit of the doubt. We all make mistakes. You have. They have. Once again, you may just be  misinterpreting things.
4. Recognize the value of communication. Recognizing that the only thing that you could lose when communicating openly, honestly, and sincerely is your pride. Sure, it might confirm that your suspicions about the other person are true, but that gives you valuable information about them and also lets them know how their behavior affects you. Another barrier to communicating is just that it's hard. That's ok. All you need to do to start is...  
   
5. Make an effort to communicate. When I started writing this post, I was going to say that Betty was a terrible communicator. Then I realized that really she isn't a terrible communicator, she just didn't even try to communicate. Sure, her actions communicated "I'm not interested in you," but really that wasn't they issue at all. The message she sent wasn't consistent with her thoughts, probably because she didn't...
6.  Remember that other people can't read your mind. This one is super important. Because it's true. If you just start acting differently, they probably won't know why. It won't change anything, and expecting them to know why you're upset certainly won't help the situation.

This is just a quick summary, and I know there are a number of other points that could be added to the list. What would you add? I also know (from personal experience) that applying these principles is much harder than listing them. Do any of these stand out or remind you of any life experiences? Comment away!

A blog about...

I've been thinking for a while now that my blog needs to have a topic. And not the topic that used to be listed on top ("A blog discussing mindfulness, relationships, spirituality, and being a whole, integral individual.") Because that's not really a topic at all. It's too long.

I first thought that my blog needed to have a topic a few months ago while reading the easiest instructions for how to start a blog. I already had this blog going, but didn't have an official "this is what my blog is about" topic. I thought about it, but didn't decide on a topic or do anything about it.

Then in beginning of October I read that blogs without topics are a waste of time. And I agreed with what it said. That's not to say that you can't have a personal blog that has the topic "what I did today" or "one (really cute) picture from each day we're married." My blog just isn't one of those.

So, from now on the topic for this blog will be: awareness in relationships. Both relationships with ourselves (especially related to mindfulness and connecting with our emotions) and relationships with others. I'll probably also write a lot about perspective, as it influences our relationships.

Now the question is, what can I learn from the three month gap posts? Well, I had a decision that I needed to make, and I put it off because it was a hard decision. In retrospect, if I couldn't really have picked a "wrong" topic, as I could have just change it later. If I had realized why I was delaying the post, I could have written this post long ago and seen if it worked out back then.

So - when you're putting something off, find out why. Even if you decide not to do it yet, it will be your decision. Thoughts about this? Relationships? Blogging?

Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here's a great video about gratitude:



Click full screen to see it, as the blog isn't wide enough to show it all (I'll have to fix that...)

Advent Christmas

I've disappeared from the internet for a while...I read something a while back that made me think my blog should have a topic. Then I thought about it for a while, decided on one, and haven't done anything about it. Expect a post soon(ish) about this.

In the mean time, here's a little video about Christmas, spending, and giving that I enjoyed:

It's kinda sad

It's kinda sad how I didn't have ANY classes for 10 days, and when school started again I hadn't done the reading for any of my classes.

Relationships, trust, and the fear of getting burned

Today Thomas Sowell wrote an article that has a quality quote:

There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs.

I'm not going to link to the original post because I don't feel discussing the other points he made in the article. You can google it if you want. But I do think that this quote is true, and think it also relates to our emotional well-being.

Just like individuals with a high IQ and ability are more able cause monumental disasters than "dull or stupid people," the most severe emotional damage can only be caused by those we care about. Abuse by a loved one (or someone who should love us) is much more damaging than getting beat up by a stranger, your heart can't really be broken until you've given it to someone, and those who know us best know how to hurt us most, should they decide they want to.

This realization can lead us to hold back our love, keep things to ourselves, and guard our hearts. While this will prevent some heartbreak, it will also stop us from experiencing all that life has to offer. You cannot have the highs without the possibility of the lows, and unfortunately, the only way to learn if someone is trustworthy is by trusting them. This means that you will have to open up when you don't know if the other person will react how you hope, and sometimes you will be burned. It really is like they say in finance: high risk, high reward.

So what can we do to be more willing to take emotional risks? How can we bounce back when those we care about hurt us emotionally?