Monday, August 17, 2009

Why do I want what I can't have?

Why is it that what we can't have is appealing to us? I was just thinking about girls, and how sometimes they can seem more attractive when they're unattainable. One thing I've considered is that if a girl's not interested, I don't need to worry about where things will go, becuase they won't go anywhere. At least not right away. On the other hand, if a girl is interested and I'm interested, then (in my mind) there's nothing that will prevent us from getting in a relationship, then getting engaged, then getting married. And that's all just too much for me.

So, not knowing how to deal with that potential situation is one possible reason why what I can't have might seem more attractive. Any other possible explanations? Can you think of any other situations when this happens?
Posted by Matt Chandler at 11:21 PM
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8 comments:

  1. Oh My Dear Brother in Law,

    You want what you can't have simply because you cannot have it. Let me tell you a story. Once, when I was a little girl, I wanted a Skip It so badly I could barely breathe. Every time I went to my aunt and uncle's house, I'd enviously watch as my cousin Whitney, four years my senior, skipped and skipped on her Skip It. After she'd show me her skill, she'd let me play with the Skip It and I would play for hours. At first, I was really bad at it, but then I get better and one day, despite telling me I could never have one, my dad brought a brand new pink Skip It home for me. I was in heaven. I skipped and skipped and skipped. And within a week, it took up permanent residence in the shed (Alabama does not have garages). Why? Because I had one now. I didn't even want to play with the one at Whitney's house. The Skip It had now become boring. And I found another toy to become obsessed with (pink rollerblades).

    Why do I tell you this story? Because if something is not ours, it often looks more appealing. But as soon as it becomes ours, it's once bright light of greatness dims until it is normal. And no, this is definitely not just a situation in dating. It can be found in almost every situation, from toys to life experiences. I have an amazing life, but sometimes I wish I had things I do not have, even though I know I would probably be less happy (or overloaded) if I had those things. So you just need to be happy with what you have, and if you don't have what you want, then find the things you want- that you are able to get- and stick with them.

    I think my comment was longer than your post. Woops...

    Love.
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  2. Maybe it's not just the fear of things working out, but of things NOT working out. If I'm always after someone "unattainable", I don't have to stress about it ending badly, or one or both of us getting hurt, or ruining the friendship, because the person isn't interested anyway.

    Or maybe it's just because we like the challenge.
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  3. That's interesting...I've never thought of it being a challenge before...that's a good point.

    I think we like mystery. I think we like the chase. While dating is fun, sometimes we miss the chase that got us there.

    Different for different people probably.
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  4. Man those comments are good!

    Lissa: I agree! I think yours was a good lesson in how gaining things doesn't make you happy. Maybe it is a good practice to always have something you really really want but won't let yourself get. Hopefully you'll remember the pink Skip It when you're filthy rich and able to buy everything you've always wanted.

    Laura: I agree! I think my fear is that a person I really like (or think I like) won't even give me a chance, so I let my imagination put us together for a few months until she moves on. What a terrible habit.

    Keri: I agree! Except at first I didn't because I thought you said "I think we like misery" and was all "wha??" Then I read it again.

    On the other hand I'm getting tired of being alone (single), like in the John Mayer song.
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  5. Very interesting post Matt. I like your blog! Do you mind if I had it to my blog roll?
    I think I do the same thing. All through high school and my first year of college any time someone I was interested in showed interest in me I backed way off because I was scared of whatever would happen next.
    Bob- that is one good John Mayer song.
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  6. I thought I replied to this the other day, but I guess I didn't.

    @Lissabeth - Great perspective / thoughts. Here's a question (for you or another) - How can you choose to be happy with what you have if you're not?

    @b.e.g.: Interesting! I agree. Another thought with the challenge part is that if it's hard, we have to work at it more. Working for someone is a form of service, which causes us to love them more. I also think this is why (often) guys seem to fall harder, faster. (Because they're doing the initial work, in the form of asking / planning / paying...).

    @Keri & Bob - I can see the "chase is fun" perspective. I, like Bob, am kind of sick of the chase.

    @Katya - For sure! I like knowing people are reading, as it makes me think through things more carefully before I write them. And right after my mission I went through a phase similar to the one you describe.
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  8. @Brandmo
    I didn't get what you were saying at first. Then I looked up and got it. That's what makes you special: you're really confusing at first, and then sometimes you're not as confusing anymore.
    ReplyDelete

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