Relationships, trust, and the fear of getting burned

Today Thomas Sowell wrote an article that has a quality quote:

There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs.

I'm not going to link to the original post because I don't feel discussing the other points he made in the article. You can google it if you want. But I do think that this quote is true, and think it also relates to our emotional well-being.

Just like individuals with a high IQ and ability are more able cause monumental disasters than "dull or stupid people," the most severe emotional damage can only be caused by those we care about. Abuse by a loved one (or someone who should love us) is much more damaging than getting beat up by a stranger, your heart can't really be broken until you've given it to someone, and those who know us best know how to hurt us most, should they decide they want to.

This realization can lead us to hold back our love, keep things to ourselves, and guard our hearts. While this will prevent some heartbreak, it will also stop us from experiencing all that life has to offer. You cannot have the highs without the possibility of the lows, and unfortunately, the only way to learn if someone is trustworthy is by trusting them. This means that you will have to open up when you don't know if the other person will react how you hope, and sometimes you will be burned. It really is like they say in finance: high risk, high reward.

So what can we do to be more willing to take emotional risks? How can we bounce back when those we care about hurt us emotionally?

Understanding Others

I love understanding other people. What they think about; what is important to them; their background and experiences. Sometimes I feel a little awkward asking others personal background questions, but I have done it enough that it is much easier now than it used to be. I have found that if I do the things below, they usually are willing to open up and share.

Keys to learn about others:

• Care - An important principle for anyone who wants to teach others is “people don't care what you know until they know that you care.” This also applies when you want to learn about others. If you don't really care, you won't remember what they tell you anyway, so why ask?
  
  
• Share information – One of the fastest ways to get someone else to open up is to open up yourself. Sharing thoughts, perspectives, desires, and dreams is how intimate, deep relationships are formed. That is, assuming that both parties successfully...
  
  
• Avoid judging - Judging someone else based on what they tell you is one of the fastest ways to get them to either stop talking to you or just tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of the truth. While it is easy to see that saying things like “that was stupid” or “why would you do that?” way is judging, we also pass judgment in many much less obvious ways. For example, if we give advice or tell a story about our own lives in a way that tells the other party that you think they should have done something different, they will feel judged. We can also judge through our body language, the questions we ask, and by dismissing things as not important when, to the other person, they are. To avoid judging...
  
  
• Assume that other people make good decisions - One key learning I had during my undergraduate education was that other people always make rational decisions. At times, people will do things that don't make sense to you (drug abuse, quitting a good job, choosing to be involved in abusive relationships, etc.). However, to them, these aren't dumb choices. They're the best choices that they they feel they have under those circumstances; otherwise they wouldn't do those things. Honestly, people don't say “well, I could do X or Y. X would be a good choice and Y would be a bad choice, I'll do Y.” Ever. Maybe they don't see X as a choice they actually have or can successfully do, or maybe they have a reason that they prefer Y over X.
  
  As a wise man once said, "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." This is because, as I'm trying to explain, individuals' behavior is a result of their core beliefs and perspective. Not a result of whether the behavior is good or bad.
  
  Believing that other people make good decisions is a surefire way avoid judging. If you believe this, then instead of judging them and trying to change them, you will ask them questions to understand why that choice seems like the best one available to them.
  
  
• Ask open ended follow-up questions - When seeking to get to know someone else, ask open ended questions. Questions that don't have a right or wrong answer or pass judgment.
  
  Tone can also affect how our questions are interpreted. For example, if someone is telling me that they quit their job, the question “Why did you decide to do that?” could be either 1) an open ended question to gather more information or 2) a rhetorical question that we use to pass judgment, just depending on our tone.
  

Once you understand where others are coming from and they know that you care, opportunities to share your perspective will often materialize. Furthermore, when they do feel like they need advice, they will know you care about them, that you have background about the situation, and that you won't judge them. Most importantly, the two of you will have a close, deep, intimate relationship. Which is what life is all about anyway.