Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Asking for Advice

Three insights (from MR) about advice - 
 "You don't know what a person really thinks until you hear his or her advice.  Along these lines, if you really want to know what a person thinks, ask for advice and he or she will open up. "
"The advice-giving mode mobilizes insights which otherwise remain dormant, perhaps for fear of falsification or ridicule or of actually influencing people. "
Interesting. And I can see the truth in both of these quotes. I often hesitate to give advice because I don't want others to feel like I'm trying to control them or influence their life. If others ask me for advice, however, I'm much more likely to give it. It's also much easier to give advice if asked a good, specific question. Here's another quote that reflects the fear I had about giving advice:
Often we do not trust people until we hear their advice.  We suspect in any case that they wish to control us, and until we know what they have in mind, we remain wary.  Sometimes it is necessary to give advice -- even pointless advice -- to establish trust.
Really interesting. I've never thought about the relationship between giving and receiving advice and how much we trust someone. Also, as a side note, it seems to me that guys give advice more than girls want to hear it. At least that seems to be the stereotype.

What do you think about giving advice to establish trust? How can you do that without coming across and controlling?
Posted by Matt Chandler at 2:20 PM
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7 comments:

  1. On whether guys give advice more than girls want to hear it: I think that both guys and girls ask each other for advice, especially about dating, more than they actually want to hear it, or at least more than they want to actually implement it.
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  2. I just read another great post on advice that talks more about this:

    "Sometimes people ask for advice but really just want your attention. People like talking things through. Though it might appear they want explicit advice what they actually want is someone to hear them out, and perhaps probe a bit, but not prescribe a solution."

    It's at http://ben.casnocha.com/2010/01/15-thoughts-on-advice-giving-and-receiving.html
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  3. I definitely agree with your latest comment, Matt. Sometimes you just need to talk through what you're thinking, and you don't really want the other person to judge you for those thoughts.


    I think it's also really common to ask for advice, when you have the advice-giver's response already planned out in your head. Basically, asking them to tell you what you want to hear, or confirm what you're feeling.
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  4. @brown eyed girl: For sure. It's also interesting that after this post we had a 2 hour advice giving and receiving session last night.

    Oh, and my previous comment was responding to what you said Jen. Even though it didn't look like it.
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  5. :) Got it.

    And I'll add: I think it's probably more helpful to listen to someone talk things through than to give advice anyway, unless you're an expert on whatever they're asking advice about, so even though it may sound like it's not a good thing that people don't take the advice they hear,it probably is..
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  6. @Jen - I can see the value in that. And the original MR post had some language agreeing with that as well.

    On the other hand, it can be helpful to get another perspective on an issue sometimes, especially when your emotions may be involved. And there's also that bit about not trusting others until we hear their advice.

    I think a good middle-ground is another bit from the (really good) Casnocha article (link in the previous post): "When you give advice, give the person options, and let them choose the best path."
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  7. Matt-I loved our little panel discussion :) I'm glad we're all comfortable enough around each other to have talks like that.
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