Comments on Spinning Into Control: For Single People (like myself)

I feel similarly to you two (Bob and Jennifer) alt...

2009-07-16T16:08:25.648-06:00

I feel similarly to you two (Bob and Jennifer) although it may not have come across clearly in my post. Basically, while wondering why X doesn't like you can prompt you to improve, that sounds like improving for the sake of appearing better to someone else, which I'm not a huge fan of anyway. On the other hand, thinking about why you're not attracted to someone else (or why you are attracted to someone you're attracted to, as both of you mentioned) is very useful in that it gives you real information about yourself, your emotions, and your needs.

@brown eyed girl - Yeah, I agree with the "we want what we can't have" perspective. Realizing that the reason we want to be with someone is because we can't have them (hopefully) would make that crush go away, and realizing that we don't want to be with someone just because we know we could have them will (hopefully) help us step back and evaluate them for what they really are and see how we would really be with them.

@Jennifer: I can see your point. And I think that...

2009-07-16T15:37:56.449-06:00

@Jennifer: I can see your point. And I think that probably a lot of cases where people feel there is just "no good reason," they really just don't want to admit that the real reason is petty, or shallow.

And maybe lack of interest, is a reason in itself. You just aren't attracted, physically/mentally/spiritually, to that person.

I agree with Jennifer on this one. We even talked ...

2009-07-16T15:34:35.919-06:00

I agree with Jennifer on this one. We even talked about it in my marriage prep class. (To everyone: take it with Carroll if you haven't taken it yet. Just looking back on my notes right now makes we actually want to go back and read my class notes!) Here's what I have written:

Avoid "unexplainable attraction." Ex 1: "I don't know why, I'm just attracted to this person." (Especially if it's to justify other negative aspects of the person) Ex 2: "I'm not attracted to them, and I don't know why." (Dig deeper and find out! Sometimes this really means "I DO know why, but I'm afraid to say it publicly because others will think I'm shallow.")

More than once I've met a girl that had all the traits I claimed to be looking for in someone, but I wasn't attracted to her. This probably means I haven't fully discovered what it is that I want, but that I'll need to date more to really divide it all up.

At the same time I need to make sure I don't create an ideal to measure every girl up to, and need to learn to find out what is not negotiable to me (like smoking/drinking/etc.) and what is inconsequential in the long run (like long hair vs. short hair).

@brown eyed girl: I actually disagree. I used to t...

2009-07-16T14:35:22.855-06:00

@brown eyed girl: I actually disagree. I used to think that there wasn't always a logical reason why one is or isn't attracted to someone, but I think I was just making excuses, because my interests never lined up with who was interested in me. But if you think about it, there has to be a reason. I think I'd be kind of offended if someone was interested in me and didn't know why, and I don't want to do that to anyone else, either. I think sometimes it's hard to see the reasons, maybe just because of the confusing nature of the whole process, but I agree with both of you that it is a very good exercise in self-knowledge to reflect and find out what those reasons are (whether we're talking about the reason you do or don't find yourself interested in someone, or the reason someone is or isn't interested in you). And the self-knowledge you gain, and the progression that comes from that, is a pretty sweet silver lining to those times when it doesn't work out.

Maybe it's our natural tendency to want what w...

2009-07-16T11:23:19.831-06:00

Maybe it's our natural tendency to want what we can't have.

Interesting point, though. I think there's a lot of truth to this. Also, I think that sometimes, there isn't a very good answer to either of the questions.

Sometimes there just isn't a good reason why one person isn't interested in the other.

But I agree, it's beneficial to question yourself about the "why", because it's part of the process of learning what you are interested in.